Understanding People-Pleasing Tendencies: Why You Do It and How to Stop
Do boundaries feel uncomfortable and scary for you? Do you often find yourself in caregiving roles even when you feel exhausted or resentful? Is it hard for you to identify or prioritize your own needs?
If so, you may resonate with patterns of people-pleasing behaviors. People-pleasing is often rooted in compassion and care for others, but this behavior can come at a steep cost. It's really no secret that years of people-pleasing tendencies can negatively impact your self-worth and self-esteem. This pattern can also jeopardize the relationships you're actively striving to protect.
Changing people-pleasing behavior takes time and requires tenderly unpacking the origins, triggers, and motives. Fortunately, breaking free from this pattern can help you feel so much better in your life.
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Below are some of the people-pleasing concerns I treat in my practice:
Improving Self-Esteem
How high is your self-esteem? If it's not great, you may struggle to set healthy boundaries in your relationships. You might also be your own worst critic- if that's the case, it often just feels much easier to focus on everyone else.
People-pleasing can be a form of self-neglect, and people with low self-esteem may be more prone to people-pleasing because they may automatically dismiss their own needs.
When you work to improve your self-esteem, you:
become more aware of what you need that honors your true self
can practice asserting yourself to others
let go of the need to be overly agreeable if such agreeableness contradicts your values
learn to manage the anxiety associated with disappointing others
implement more positive self-talk to inherently feel better about yourself
Treating Unresolved Trauma
Traumatic experiences may coincide with people-pleasing tendencies. Maybe, from a young age, you learned how to take care of others to protect yourself. Or, you were physically or emotionally hurt for vocalizing what you needed. These kinds of experiences can shape a default pattern of hypervigilance around others; you automatically tune into what someone else needs before considering your feelings or well-being.
In fact, the fawn trauma response is a coping mechanism that prioritizes considering other people's needs above your own. This becomes the automatic strategy to avoid conflict and manage perceived threats. Therefore, resolving trauma can help you increase emotional regulation and improve your self-worth.
When it comes to people-pleasing behaviors, trauma work may focus on:
identifying how setting aside your own needs offers a sense of safety
recognizing the negative consequences associated with people-pleasing, particularly in your close relationships
practicing self-care in a way that honors your needs
deepening self-reflection as it pertains to poor boundaries or people taking advantage of you
Clarifying Your Own Needs and Values
If you resonate with being a people-pleaser, you may not really know what you want in a given situation. You might be so used to attuning to others that you don't truly recognize your needs and values.
This creates a vicious pattern. For example, let's say a friend asks you where you want to meet for dinner. But if you're so worried about making sure that they have a good time, you might feel emotionally paralyzed by having to
In therapy, we can focus on clarifying your values by:
reflecting on what makes you feel most fulfilled and aligned in life
thinking about the kind of person you want to be (or what you want to be known for)
recognizing how certain behaviors or thoughts contradict what feels meaningful to you
Understanding and Setting Boundaries
Healthy boundaries are a core feature of healthy relationships. However, people-pleasers tend to really struggle with setting limits. You may perceive boundaries as harsh or cruel, and you might worry about how others will perceive you.
In therapy, we may focus on:
unpacking the messages and fears you have around boundaries
practicing scripts for setting boundaries in your relationships
having space to explore the feelings that emerge after setting a boundary
Sometimes people-pleasing is a way to prevent or manage anxiety, particularly social anxiety. Instead of risking confrontation or someone judging you, you might focus on avoiding conflict at all costs.
We can work on understanding and moving through this anxiety by:
identifying healthy coping skills that honor your own well-being
building self-awareness into the true feelings underlying people-pleasing behavior
allowing yourself to practice what it feels like to genuinely feel guilty, anxious, or ashamed
unpacking the fears associated with prioritizing yourself
Treating Heightened Anxiety
FAQs
What Causes Someone to Engage in People-Pleasing Tendencies?
It's likely a multifaceted issue. Trauma, underlying mental health issues, low self-esteem, and family or cultural messaging can all shape and reinforce people-pleasing tendencies. The more we practice a habit, the stronger it becomes, so if you've been people-pleasing for most of your life, changing your ways can feel extremely hard.
How Do I Stop Being a People Pleaser?
People-pleasing is a layered issue and rarely has one "quick fix." Instead, it's about first uncovering and exploring the origins of your behavior. Why did it start in the first place? How was people-pleasing a form of self-protection? What benefits does it have?
Change comes by recognizing the need for more self-compassion and truly honoring your own happiness. This comes with time and introspection. In therapy, you'll learn how to better manage the discomfort associated with prioritizing your own needs. We'll also focus on what it really means to care for yourself, even if it means changing how you prioritize caring for others.
Can People-Pleasing Get Worse Over Time?
It can. The more we reinforce certain patterns, the stronger they become.
Furthermore, if you're in a constant cycle of trying to please others, those individuals habituate to how you behave around them. In other words, your loved ones can get used to you putting your needs last. People-pleasing tendencies may worsen if you struggle with codependent relationships or frequently spend time with people who don't fully respect you.
What If I Feel Anxious or Guilty About Setting Limits?
You're not alone. This is why deciding to stop people-pleasing is rarely a one-time decision. Instead, it's more of an ongoing journey.
Anxiety and guilt are common reactions to changing people-pleasing tendencies. In time, you learn how to rely less on external validation and more on honoring your own needs. But, for now, we focus on accepting various emotions, even if they feel uncomfortable. You may find that your fear of feeling anxious or guilty is actually stronger than the emotion itself.
What If I'm Worried That Boundaries Will Mess Up the Relationship?
This is a very normal and valid concern. Many people fear that setting boundaries feels harsh or selfish. Sometimes the desire to gain approval from others feels stronger than the desire to care for yourself.
Subsequently, you might believe that you're only worthy of a good relationship if you're "nice" or "low-maintenance." In reality, it's absolutely impossible to ensure that you're universally liked. Boundaries aren't about hurting other people or making life difficult. They're simply an extension of self-respect. If someone can't honor your limits, it may be worth reevaluating what this relationship means to you.
How Does Therapy Help Me Practice Setting Boundaries?
First, we'll identify why it's important for you to set boundaries in the first place. For instance, when do you find yourself becoming overwhelmed or resentful? How is your typical engagement with others affecting your mental health? What are some of your own wants or needs that you keep disregarding?
Then, we'll spend some time exploring your values and non-negotiable priorities in relationships. From there, the work of setting boundaries represents a gradual process. Many people start slowly and with safe people. We may even role-play some of this communication in session together. Rehearsing it aloud can help you feel more prepared, and you'll have my support if you experience anxiety or shame during this process.
Working Through People-Pleasing Behaviors in New York and Connecticut
Many people-pleasers recognize that they feel exhausted or resentful at times. But changing this chronic pattern often seems intimidating. Please know that you're not alone in your struggles, and it is possible to make changes that feel meaningful and sustainable to your overall well-being.
Therapy can make all the difference in helping you change certain behavioral patterns. You deserve to care for yourself, and you deserve to prioritize self-love. I would be honored to support you on this journey toward individual wellness.
I offer in-person therapy in White Plains, New York and online therapy services for adults and teenagers residing in both New York and Connecticut. If you feel ready to work through your people-pleaser tendencies, I welcome you to reach out today to schedule a consultation.